I do not know myself
I am a pretty simple book to read. Everyone knows me and can predict what I will order to eat and which movie I will not accept to watch. So it will come as a sort of shock when I say that noone including myself knows me.
The anomaly here is that I have 2 life modes. The first one is the automatic mode where I do and say what I am supposed to. This is not me being fake but it is simply my muscle memory taking over. This mode is on when I do not feel safe enough to remove my shields, which is to say all the time. The other mode is the one where I allow my emotions a vent. This makes me moody and introspective. This mode switches on very occasionally and depends on the support group around me.
I remember going through most of my college life in the 1st mode. However by the end of it, I had made some amazing friends with whom I felt safe enough to discuss even my incoherent thoughts. And they knew me well enough to support and even share my eccentricities. Obviously not all friends are equal. So I became a recluse in group gatherings and a totally different person during my one on ones. These one on ones helped me know my real self and be in sync with my emotions. I relished these conversations and the vulnerability they effected. I loved the mixture of joy and pain they caused. So I was unafraid to demand these one on ones.
Cut to a decade later. I have not seen that vulnerable side of me for quite some time. This has to do with not having enough chances to get involved in a heart to heart talks. So I do not know now how the last decade has changed the emotional side of me. The vents are not present now. The only options available are the blank pages. I am finding it tough to know what I really want. The pages are not as effective as a person but still the clouds are lifting slowly. I have been having times when I am full of ecstasy while at other times I have been feeling so low that I have lied on bed for hours feeling the hurt. The effects of this is being borne by my family. We are discussing and trying to come to an understanding about the place of their expectations and wishes in my life. The process is hard but atleast a dialog has begun.
The anomaly here is that I have 2 life modes. The first one is the automatic mode where I do and say what I am supposed to. This is not me being fake but it is simply my muscle memory taking over. This mode is on when I do not feel safe enough to remove my shields, which is to say all the time. The other mode is the one where I allow my emotions a vent. This makes me moody and introspective. This mode switches on very occasionally and depends on the support group around me.
I remember going through most of my college life in the 1st mode. However by the end of it, I had made some amazing friends with whom I felt safe enough to discuss even my incoherent thoughts. And they knew me well enough to support and even share my eccentricities. Obviously not all friends are equal. So I became a recluse in group gatherings and a totally different person during my one on ones. These one on ones helped me know my real self and be in sync with my emotions. I relished these conversations and the vulnerability they effected. I loved the mixture of joy and pain they caused. So I was unafraid to demand these one on ones.
Cut to a decade later. I have not seen that vulnerable side of me for quite some time. This has to do with not having enough chances to get involved in a heart to heart talks. So I do not know now how the last decade has changed the emotional side of me. The vents are not present now. The only options available are the blank pages. I am finding it tough to know what I really want. The pages are not as effective as a person but still the clouds are lifting slowly. I have been having times when I am full of ecstasy while at other times I have been feeling so low that I have lied on bed for hours feeling the hurt. The effects of this is being borne by my family. We are discussing and trying to come to an understanding about the place of their expectations and wishes in my life. The process is hard but atleast a dialog has begun.
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